In nearly 6 weeks I will be finished with my life as an undergrad college student. If you asked how I felt about that three hours ago I would’ve told you I am totally fine and calm. If you ask me how I feel about that now I will tell you I AM FREAKING OUT.
I’m afraid of the future. I know what I wanna do when I graduate, but I don’t really know. I hope I’ll be able to find at least an entry level job, but who knows? I wouldn’t even be able to tell you where my dream job or life would be. My heart is torn between my love for Boston and everything this city has brought me and my passion to use film to show people that there’s hope beyond this life. Maybe the two aren’t mutually exclusive, but they currently seem like they are.
In my life I’ve learned time and time again that my heart is a pretty awful decision maker. It’s impatient, self-seeking, easily led astray, easily hurt and easily manipulated. As Jeremiah 17:9 puts it,
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?”
And as I sit here panicking about what my future holds I know it’s because, as I said before, my heart is torn. I thank God for my torn heart because it reminds me that living for myself will always leave me feeling torn and half-empty. The quest for self-fulfillment and satisfaction is a never ending one when it’s based solely on what you desire– no matter how noble those desires may be. I thank God because I know that. I thank God because He’s my greatest fulfillment so when I panic and don’t know what to do with my life in the coming months I can be confident of 2 things:
1) That He has a plan/that He knows what’s going to happen to my life in the coming months.
2) That that plan of His is incredible and while it may not satisfy every part of my heart’s earthly appetites, it will nourish my soul to the point of unimaginable Heavenly peace.