Okay so I know I’ve been slacking with my blogging of late. I’ve been listening to a lot of church sermons online (particularly ones from Times Square Church NYC) and they’ve been challenging me to live more boldly and surrendered to Christ. In spite of how inspirational they’ve been, I’ve still been feeling spiritually off at times.
Today I started my time with The Lord with prayer for guidance in the many areas of my life. I then picked a bible verse from my “promise box” and was brought to Isaiah 58, which is about right and wrong fasting. Coincidence? I think not. Hand of God? I think yes.
While I don’t fall on the extreme side of the spectrum with the wrong reasons for fasting the scripture spoke of, I realized I hadn’t been doing enough of the right reasons. In my times with God as I seek His advice for work, living situation and etc. I’ve lost that part of me that once existed– the part that focused on the personal, small ways I could serve His kingdom. I’ve been so fixated on getting to my mass mission of making movies to glorify Him that I’ve forgotten that each step that gets me there can be a mission in itself.
To put it more clearly, I’ve been saying, “Lord, direct me to the job You want me to be in” when I should’ve been saying, “Lord, bring me to the job where others need me, where they need my work ethic, love & whatever else You can do through me. When I look for my own place to live, bring me to the apartment complex where a neighbor needs an awkward Christian girl to hear their problems and to let them know that You care.”
The two prayers aren’t massively different nor are they mutually exclusive, but my heart in each situation is. The first stems from my desire to do God’s will because I believe that that’ll give me a spiritually fulfilling and thus happy life (aka it partly comes from me being selfish). Meanwhile the latter comes from a more selfless desire to see how I can serve God’s people in everything. In the past, I’ve sought Him this way when I stayed in a swim class that I dreaded and when I did random housing in a few of my college years. And God never disappointed me in those times; in the smallest of ways in each situation, I saw a confirmation that a seed had been planted and that always brought me unexplainable exhilaration. Of late, I’ve forgotten that this is the type of selfless praying and living that God has burdened my heart with. I can’t run from it because when I do I feel incomplete. Ergo, I’m done running.