God is Present Through It All

Success doesn’t equal God’s approval; failure doesn’t denote His absence and most importantly disappointment doesn’t mean He doesn’t care.

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2016 was a rough year for me. Not quite as rough as 2015 had been– the year where I entered the work force; had 0 church community and started to struggle with depression, insecurities and negative over analyzing . 2015 was one of the worst years of my life thus far and 2016 followed quite closely.

In 2016, I became more self aware of my struggles and I gradually started to take steps to come closer to God to change them. It was an arduous process. My mental, emotional, spiritual and even physical state really were at rock bottom. Depression hit me hard at times; I was overwhelmed with insecurities, jealousy and a comparative spirit. Even my physical appearance started to reflect what was going  on inside (weight gain, minimal hair growth/hair breakage and acne breakouts). I’ve provided links to some in depth blogs I’ve written about some of those struggles so I won’t go into greater detail about them, but I will say that they all pointed to the fact that I needed help.

So that’s what I constantly sought from literally anyone that would listen. Any chance I got I would send ranting essay text messages to friends complaining about my insecurities, my jealousy, my heartache, my over analyzing, and etc. One friend eventually called me out for it, rightfully so.

I was spending so much time complaining to humans when I should’ve been intentionally, wholeheartedly running to Jesus to get me through the rough season. Sometimes I would, but sometimes I would wait. I would wallow in my self-pity and allow myself to be consumed by every negative thought, feeling and emotion that was entering my mind. It sounds crazy, but there’s something satisfying about indulging in your sadness and your anger. Maybe it has to do with the sin nature and a God complex; when I analyze a situation and perceive it the way I want to then I am in control of the outcome and it feels dangerously good to be in control. Until you realize that that control is robbing your ability to connect to God and to see the truth in an area of your life that He wants to help you through and take hold of. Moving on….

So what does any of this have to do with success or failure? Well if you’re connected to me on any social media site then you know what else I accomplished in 2016: I wrote, directed, produced and funded two short films that cost me thousands of dollars and that took a lot of time, creativity and energy. And as previously noted in this blog post, I wasn’t in the best place mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, yet I was still able to create two films that I’m incredibly proud of.

I’ll say it again: Success doesn’t equal God’s approval; failure doesn’t denote His absence and most importantly disappointment doesn’t mean, He doesn’t care.

When I look at those films, I think to myself 2016 was a successful year. God blesses us with success, right? Wrong. God blesses us out of His grace and mercy, but that doesn’t always mean we’re doing the right thing. I disobeyed God and chose the world over Him, more times than I’d like to admit (and I’m sure I will still do both of those things). Just like any Father, while I know He loved me through it all, I don’t believe He was pleased with my actions and my thought life. Yet, in His grace and mercy, He provided for me and enabled me to complete those films.

I was reading John 11 yesterday and verses 21 & 22 struck a chord with me:

“Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. But I know, that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it thee.”

To provide context, Mary & Martha’s brother Lazarus has just died. Jesus had received word that Lazarus was sick a few days prior; rather than running to heal him, Jesus “abode two days still in the same place” (verse 6). (SPOILER ALERT: Jesus raised him from the dead)…

Martha’s words are what got me thinking about success & failure and how we relate the two to God’s presence in our lives. In that moment when Martha goes to Jesus, I picture a woman whose disappointed, yes, but I also see a woman who hasn’t allowed that disappointment to change her faith and love for God. She still believes in Him. She still knows His character and she still knows that even in this dark hour, God can do something incredible.

I know I’m guilty of allowing disappointments and earthly circumstances shape my view of God’s presence in my life and also guilty of then questioning whether or not He will do something in that dark night of the soul. Logically, I know He’s sovereign, but logic goes out the door when a disappointment hits and when you’re at your lowest.

I was able to accomplish solid work in 2016, yet many other areas of my life were a mess. God was still there; I just wasn’t turning to Him enough. If I had failed to make my films, I would’ve been disappointed, but He still would’ve been there. If something “good” happens, it doesn’t mean He’s present (He’s present regardless of that outcome– not because of it) and if something “bad” happens it doesn’t mean He’s absent. It’s foolish to use earthly parameters to define God’s presence in our life. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, He’s still the same.

7 Tips for Unemployed, Plan-less College Graduates

Even though I graduated just 4 months ago, I feel obligated to write a preachy, blog post about life after college because I just finished reading a buzzfeed article about confessions from other unemployed college graduates and some of the thoughts these people expressed were concerning. So here’s my list of 7 things I want to say to the rest of the unemployed, plan-less class of 2015!

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1) Graduating without a job is actually pretty sweet.

I graduated in December without a job offer or a plan so when January rolled around I felt like a bum. I was anxious to find work. To my surprise, it was in the times when I wasn’t searching for work or writing cover letters that I found something unexpected: myself. I discovered my passion and developed it while I learned more about the industry I hope to enter. So while my resume is blank from January – May 2015, my soul is satisfied and my knowledge, improved. If you’re like me and you’re ending school with no job offers or internships, take the time to work for/on yourself, becoming better at what you love, developing your passions and trying something new. This is one of the last times in your life when you’ll have a “summer vacation” to do this so take advantage, but use the time wisely! (NOTE: I must also thank my parents for the encouragement and support they’ve given me to make this possible!)

2) Don’t compare yourself to your peers.

We live in an age where people like to share the details of their lives on the Internet. I can’t scroll along my Newsfeed or Timeline without seeing a mass of posts about job/internship offers and grad school acceptances. While I didn’t apply to graduate school, all three paths remind me that everyone has left/is leaving college with a plan–everyone except for me. I play the comparison game too often and thanks to that buzzfeed article, I now know I’m not the only one. It has taken time and prayer for me to remember that everyone will start, end and go through different places in life. Meaning there’s no reason to feel inadequate just because other people have plans lined up now and you don’t. Your time will come, just be patient. And on the note of time…

3) Just because you aren’t graduating with a job/internship/grad school acceptance doesn’t mean you’ll never have one.

I know I’m stating the obvious, but bear with me; when panic rises even it can be forgotten. You may not have one of these things today, but the future is this sort of mystical, unknown realm that stems from your actions in the present. If you sit around moping about your lack of plans, then you can bet that your tomorrow will be even more dismal than today, but if you follow my first tip, then you can shape your future into something you couldn’t have made it into if you were working.

4) Don’t beat yourself up over what you did and didn’t do over the past four years.

Every decision, good or bad has brought you to this very point in time. It has shaped you into someone that has great potential. It’s useless to sit around saying “If only I did this or that while in school.” That time of your life is over so do yourself the favor of looking forward and only using those mistakes as lessons for tomorrow.

5) Don’t ever let fear stop you from chasing your dreams.

I think some people spend a lot of time second guessing their decisions because they’re afraid of failure and rejection. I’ve spent the past four months working on scripts for these elite workshops and as the deadlines near, fear and doubt are creeping inside of me. Fear is a normal human emotion, but one that should be expunged. If you allow it to stop you from doing something you love or from doing something you might be bad at then you’re selling yourself short. Shoot for impossible; hold nothing back and believe that great things can happen.

6) If/When you do shoot for your dreams and they fail, or if/when you apply for a job/internship/grad school and you’re rejected let the tears fall as they give birth to the next step you are to take.

I hate rejections and I am very sensitive so whenever one comes I turn into a blubbering baby. I hate myself for it, but I’ve learned to accept it. There’s… “A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance” Ecclesiastes 3:4. In other words, it’s okay to cry and to be sad, but it’s not okay to let that sadness overcome you. Sit with it for a while, soak it up even, but accept it. Accept that that rejection you just faced is pointing you towards the path that God has intended for you and move on.

7) Life after college won’t be perfect, but it doesn’t have to be.

Many of you will likely do the same thing I did upon graduating: you’ll return to your parent’s home with a mass of student loan debt that you’ll be paying off for the next 30 years. Doesn’t sound glamorous, yet I fully believe that you aren’t able to appreciate the full depth of something great unless you have had to wait for it. So while you may have to wait for that loan balance to fall to $0; to afford to live on your own; for that job/internship offer; for that grad school acceptance, take heart. The longer you wait for something good to happen the sweeter it is.


So my fellow unemployed college graduates do not fret because of your current situation. Your time to work will come soon enough and when it does come, let’s be honest, it’ll be tiring, stressful, sometimes even demeaning work that comes with a remarkably low salary. Yet, this is what we, unemployed college graduates yearn for. Why shouldn’t we? The idea of a new stage in life is exciting– I for one can’t wait until I get into the working world. Not because it’ll be easy or fun (though, I am seeking work in an enjoyable industry…), but because it’s a part of life and it’s a chance to make a difference in the lives of others– be it coworkers, customers or dare I say the world?

Glimmer of Hope

Finding the silver lining in things is actually quite nice. It’s especially nice when you merely stumble upon it by pure accident. After drudging through negativity and problems, it just randomly brings you hope… It doesn’t come with a solution to your problems right away, but it promises you that things will eventually be alright. That in the midst of the chaos around you, there’s a glimmer of hope. I thank God for this glimmer of hope because well without it, I’d very well lose my mind…